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GTMais

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Time to die.

2 min read
Well I think it is time to die, Jumpen.

Jumpen is me. I am Jason Jumpen. Or atleast that's my nick, Jumpen. Due to being a practitioner of Jumpstyle. Today I decided to kill my old self and come back new.. I still love jumpstyle, but nobody is with me to dance.. Life is empty.. So Im gonna drop most of what counts as my old life.. Do new things, become a different person if I can? I think the problem with me now is being too attached to people, too dependent on people.. I gotta change that.. It's time to shed this shell of pathetic, self-depressive, buckshit, whiny kid... Time to steel my nerves and harden my heart if you will... Time to stop getting stuck in the same cycle over and over again and feel so goddamned sad over so small a thing. Sometimes I wanna punch my self in the face for doing so many stupid things... Saying stupid things.. Being attracted like a honey bee to every little thing she does. Being able to describe and over-judge and panic over every little thing she does. While not being able to describe and judge myself for what i do. DAMM IT.
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So... what now?

2 min read
That's the question I've been asking myself for the past 2 weeks.. I've stopped doing anything. Or cared about anything. I don't even care about the fact that I've been waking up during midday, eating my dinner, then watching shows till 5 in the morning.. then repeating the same thing over and over and over again for 2 weeks... Stopped practicing anything.. No violin no stuff, no maya, nothing... I became obsessed with trivialities, like trying to solve this strange question in my head:"What am I supposed to be doing?" Its trivial, yeah, but the things i've stopped doing are the answer to that constant question in my head. I much prefer to go to sleep every time i wake up.. Even if I don't feel tired, I feel that my bed is the only one that understands me.. More so than my violin... I even gave her a name... I think I'm getting schizophrenic or something? Disillusioned with life maybe? I am whining so much because I am so frigging empty... Like a pit in my head swallowing all resolute decisions........

I NEED SOMETHING.

Maybe I need something that would keep me going.. Maybe something that feeds that ego that's all soooo present in every single moment of my life... Guess like my friend said I am egoistical to the point of overcompensating. Oh well... I can't bury my head in drawing and maya-ing or fiddling or stuff... I feel like I actually need a vacation from my home... Or from life... like an other life where you do other things... With other people... with other friends... I am banging my head from this mix of "OH MY GOD IM SO SAD! KILL ME PLEASE! MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH! GOD WHY?!" and the other part of me that says "SUCK IT UP BRAH, YOU AIN'T THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS WORLD SUFFERING. BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT YOU FAT WHINY KID." Often times my "brah" side wins and i suck it up. But this time the whiny ass-butt kid is winning the game...

After reading this, I think I know why I kinda hate talking to people I'm too close to about that whiny kid locked behind that door guarded by that "Brah" with sunglasses.
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OMG!

2 min read
Do you know what it feels like to not be able to do something which you really wanna do but you think it isn't within your reach.. Then you stumble upon it accidentally and it opened up even greater possibilities? It feels like triumphant victory...

I finally managed to do Arm Vibrato.. To a simple Annie Laurie tune... I CAN VIBRATE NOW! OMG.... ITS LIKE ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS WHERE YOU JUST GO:  "Oh" and for a second you realize you are doing a vibrating motion with your arm... and then you hear the harmonics of the string.. And then you're speechless.. After managing to play annie laurie with my new found skill... I played those simple nursery rhymes.. jingle bells, mary had a little lamb, long long ago..  I could sound the vibrato for each of them... Its just like how they said it would be.. It'll come naturally and hit you so hard in the face you'd feel like you had been socked in the jaw by a heavyweight... But an extremely satisfying and gratifying punch to my face it is...

Though Arm Vibrato is considered the simplest.. Im gonna stick with it until i can get wrist vibrato or even finger vibrato...CIAO
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Yesterday was awesome.. like awesome of awesome.. Going out with friends is fun.... knowing you have awesome friends is better than going out with them... hyahya.... its something personal... What if one day I am self aware of the things i write and the things i say? Which is what I am doing now? Being self aware of the fact that I type like a 10 year old, hyper-eclectic, ego-centric kid? The saddest part being alone in a sea of darkness, shouting at nothingness and being sheltered by voids and nulls? I am bipolar i think?

Anyway.....

My journeys in Mount and Blade:

I awoke amidst a grand city, lumbering on the streets, looking everywhere, I see olden shacks and houses of bricks. Then the sliding rasp of a blade unsheathing made my hair stand on end. I turned around, with my crossbow in hand.

A man rushes at me, hand held high with the sword gleaming in the starlight, its edges shone like pale fire. I took aim. I fired.

The bolt penetrated his chest, but he would not let up, like one in a berserk he continued to charge. I unsheathed my sword from my scabbard and waited.

I gripped my hilt tight and braced my feet against the ground. All the clocks in the world seemed to stop in that very moment. I could see his face filled with unearthly fury, blood streaming from his mouth, his arms poised for a thrust, his legs thundering. He shouted a cry and aimed for my chest, I parried his blow and hewed his head from his shoulders. Crimson was my vision, stained was my tunic, singing with gladness was my blade for its thirst for blood was quenched. I sheathed my sword and walked away.

From the darkness a figure approached. I gripped my sword tight, ready to strike down another assailant.

"Wait! Wait! Are you hurt? I've gotten wind of your residence in the city and many others have too. It's confusing now I know! But come to my house! It's much safer than out here in the streets. My name is Ribald, the Merchant of Praven."

============================================================================================================================================================

Should I continue writing? I feel like skipping to the epic parts and the funny parts and the all out ridiculous parts as well as the parts where I got captured by an enemy army and eventually became their soldier.. lol....
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I seee you....

1 min read
The sight of you kindled a fire in me,
A fire that burns with passion,


You looked so beautiful,
You looked like you were meant for me,
You were in the store,

Sitting there,
Serene and timeless..
A gentle ripple, you had me floored.

Curvaceous; your body,
Shiny was your skin,
Your neck slender,
Fair and long were your strings.

Then I saw your price tag,
All things turned silent,
I walked away in sadness,
You were never meant for me.

To: That 10 thousand dollar violin sitting in the display of Synwin Violins....

:"(
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Featured

Time to die. by GTMais, journal

So... what now? by GTMais, journal

OMG! by GTMais, journal

Awesome day yesterday... by GTMais, journal

I seee you.... by GTMais, journal